Parents often rely on phrases like “You can’t,” “Don’t do that,” or “Stop that” as a go-to response when addressing their children. While these commands might seem effective in the moment, parenting is not about issuing orders or enforcing strict obedience. It’s about guiding children, helping them understand the world around them, and fostering independence. Unfortunately, many parents struggle to move beyond such negative language simply because they aren’t familiar with better alternatives. Let’s explore how to shift this approach.
Why Should We Minimize Negative Phrasing?
Frequent use of restrictive language diminishes its effectiveness over time. Children who constantly hear “no” or “don’t” may become overly cautious or hesitant, especially at a young age. Older kids, on the other hand, are likely to push back, asking for explanations or challenging these commands – a situation that often ends with a frustrated parent saying, “Because I said so!” This abrupt conclusion can leave children feeling misunderstood and dismissed.
How Can We Change Our Communication?
This isn’t just another set of rules about what parents shouldn’t say. Instead, here are practical ways to reduce negativity while encouraging your child’s cooperation and understanding.
1. Reframe Negatives into Positives
Instead of saying, “Don’t lean out like that,” try offering guidance: “Please hold on tightly to the railing.” This subtle shift focuses on what the child should do, making the instruction clearer and more actionable.
2. Explain Outcomes
When your child is running with a cup, rather than saying, “Don’t swing that cup around,” you could say, “If the cup falls, it might break into pieces. Let’s put it on the table to keep it safe.”
3. Share Your Feelings
Connecting your emotions to your concerns helps children understand the impact of their actions. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t run by the road,” express your concern: “I feel worried when you run close to the street because it’s dangerous.”
4. Ask Thoughtful Questions
Encourage your child to reflect on their choices by asking questions. At the playground, instead of saying, “Don’t climb so high,” you might ask, “Do you think you can get down safely by yourself?”
5. Redirect with Alternatives
When children are drawn to risky activities, provide a safer option rather than outright prohibition. For instance: “I see you want to balance on the curb. Let’s try walking together on that low wall over there instead.”
What Should We Avoid?
Avoid overusing threats or exaggerating consequences to foster better communication.Try to refrain from constantly saying “Be careful” without offering proper context. Avoid also projecting your own fears onto your child’s actions and encourage their natural curiosity and exploration rather than suppressing it.
Can These Changes Make a Difference?
Adjusting to a different way of communicating requires both time and patience. While these strategies may not yield immediate results, with persistence, they can reshape how your child receives your guidance. Gradually, your child will feel valued and understood, which will help them see your point of view and work together more easily.
